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Steve Latrine interviews The Spooks r.e. their new album

It’s been over twenty years since the last time the DJ and Respected Music Journalist Steve Latrine interviewed the legendary Spooks. On that occasion he had a hard time getting any of the band members to admit that they were working on an album, despite copious tangible evidence to the contrary littered about the studio where the interview took place. Now Steve is back and he is, as are most DJs from the 70s and 80s, eager to look to the future rather than to dwell on or dig into the past. The word on the street is that the Spooks are well over half-way through recording their second album, so now seems an ideal opportunity for a Second Interview.

Steve: Well I’d just like to say thank you very much for agreeing to be interviewed after all this time.

Gregg: You’re welcome. Sign here please.

Dingo: (growling noises)

Ron: You’d better do as they both say.

(After a short pause Steve signs a grubby indecipherable piece of paper).

Peach: Hello.

Steve:  Hello. Just to kick things off perhaps we could discuss something that’s always puzzled me?

Gregg: Fine. Can you sign here as well please?

(Steve signs another even grubbier and even less decipherable piece of paper)

Steve: You’re often quoted as being one of the greatest ever 60s bands.

Peach: Oh that’s very nice.

Steve: But your first album was released a few months after our previous interview. Which was in 1990 I think.

Peach: Yes, definitely.

Steve: Although it might have been 1989.

Peach: Oh, probably.

Steve: The interview that is, not the album.

Peach: Eh?

Steve: The album was definitely 1990 because I have a copy and it’s dated.

Ron (outraged): How dare you say that it’s dated.

(Ron inserts live electric eel into Steve as defined by the obsolete English language term “to feague”).

Steve: Aaarrrrrrghgggghghghg.

Gregg: And sign here too please.

(Steve attempts to sign)

Gregg: No, that’s not a good signature, it looks like a graph of Peach’s brain activity.

Ron: Peach, remove the eel.

(Peach reaches forward)

Peach: Bzzzzt!!! Aaaauuuuuuuuggggghhhlllll.

Steve: Ahhhh, that’s better. No, I didn’t mean it was “dated”. I meant it had the date “1990” written on it.

Ron: One hundred and fifty-four apologies.

Gregg: Now another go at that signature please.

Steve: Ok.

Dingo: (growling noises).

Ron: We’ve all lost interest and forgotten your question.

Steve: What I meant was, how can you be a 60s band in 2012 when your only released album so far came out in 1990?

Ron: It’s very simple.

Peach: What should I do with this brown snake?

Gregg: It’s an eel.

Ron: An electric eel.

Gregg: And it’s supposed  to be black.

Ron: Feed it to Dingo.

Dingo: (alarming noises of claws, teeth, ripping of flesh and sudden electrical discharges reminiscent of Baron Frankenstein’s lab during a full moon in one of those later Universal movie sequels where they were so desperate for ticket sales that they piled in every single one of their horror film monsters to a single scene)

Steve: Thank you.

Ron: You are very welcome.

Steve: Well?

Gregg: Sign here, here, here and…..

Gregg: ….here please.

Steve: Hmmmn.

Ron: Well what?

Steve: Shall I ask the question again?

Peach: Hello again.

Gregg: Peach?

Peach: Yes, Gregg?

Gregg: Shut up please.

Peach: Ok, Gregg.

Steve: I think I was making more progress with the eel.

Ron: Shall we deploy the eel again?

Steve: I don’t think there’s much left of that one, so I’d say I’m relatively safe.

Ron: Gregg, do we have any more electric eels?

Gregg: Nope, sorry.

Ron: Rats.

Peach: Plenty of those.

Ron: No, that was meant as an expression of mild frustration.

Peach: Ok, Ron.

Dingo: (disapproving growling noises).

Ron: Never mind. Peach, go and get one of the gas eels instead. Let’s see if we can have more luck than last time in getting it to light.

(Peach wanders off).

Steve: Perhaps it would be better if I left before Peach returns with the gas eel.

Gregg: That might be a good idea, but first just sign at the bottom of page 1,530 here.

Steve: Maybe I have time for one last attempt. Ron – are you listening to me?

Ron: Yes.

Steve: Can you hear me loud and clear?

Ron: Yes indeed.

Steve: OK, ready?

Ron: Absolutely.

Steve: How can you be a 60s band in 2012 when your only released album so far came out in 1990?

Ron: It’s very simple.

Steve: And?

Ron: Well as time goes by that 1990 album is getting nearer and nearer to the 60s.

Steve: What’s that supposed to mean?

Ron: In 1990 the album was, I concede, a long time after the 60s.

Steve: OK.

Ron: But now it’s 2012.

Steve: Yes?

Ron: So now that album is actually closer to the 60s than it is to the present day. And has been for nearly two years.

Steve: That’s a terrible explanation.

Ron: Dingo?

Dingo: (slavering noises).

Ron: I’d like you to…

Gregg (interrupting): Hang on just a moment Ron.

Ron (annoyed): ...what?

Gregg: Steve, just one more signature here please.

(Steve reluctantly signs a bloodstained parchment that looks suspiciously as if it might be made of human skin).

Gregg: Thanks. Back to you Ron.

Ron: Thank you Gregg. Dingo?

(Dingo growls fanatically)

Ron: Attack the DJ.

(Dingo lunges forward but loses his balance and skids over a messy array of still-crackling electric eel entrails. Steve takes his chance and runs out of the room. From outside there is the sound of Steve colliding with Peach and a flotilla of gas eels).

Ron: I think that went very well.

Gregg: He forgot to ask us about our new album.

Ron: Did you get all the signatures you needed?

Gregg: Yep, every one.

Ron: So how many minor celebrities have we cleaned out now?

Gregg: Most of them. I think we’ve raised enough money to either clear the Greek National debt or to get a couple of reasonable-visibility tickets for the Rolling Stones gig.

Ron: Excellent.

No eels were unharmed during the making of this interview.